Running with a South African.

-or a Springbok as some Frenchmen like to call me-

If any of my Zwift friends decide to visits South Africa here is some weird things about South Africans you need to know.

     

1. 

   
   

    Robots are called robots. Also, traffic lights are called robots, and there’s no reasonable explanation. 
   
2. Bunny chows. There are no bunnies involved. Like, at all. ➡ see pic
3. The ubiquitous “car guards.” You’re expected to pay them a tip for their uncanny ability to stand DIRECTLY in your blind spot, waving you right into the car behind you as you back out. Legend has it that they also prevent people from breaking into your car, but as far as I know, that’s about as likely as finding a fish eagle up your backside.
4. 
   South Africans invented the heart transplant and the electric car, yet they can’t devise a way to wrap Fizzers so that ALL the paper comes off before you eat it. Hands up to all of you who have given up and just chowed the last little bit of paper along with the candy. ➡ see pic
5. The vuvuzela. The world needed to know what the most ungodly sound imaginable was. Now they know.
6.  In most countries, you get to vote for one of a few political parties in the national election. In South Africa, there were 48 parties on the last ballot sheet. Because why not?
7. 
   Countless men strut around in little hot pants entirely unironically. It’s jarring at first. And to be honest, 3 years later, it’s still jarring. ➡ see pic
   
8.  Riots don’t exist in South Africa, apparently. They call them “protests” here. Listen, South Africa- if people are burning everything in sight and throwing rocks and bricks at any vehicle that dares to come within striking distance, it’s a riot. Finish and klaar.
9. A glass of wine at a restaurant is about half the bottle. OK, this isn’t so much weird as it is fantastic, but still- if you’re not ready for it, it’s a bit shocking.
10. Taxis. There are no rules. Welcome to the Thunderdome.
11. Try to host a braai (BBQ) and NOT have your guests show up with a cooler box full of brandy and Coke. Just try. I dare you.
12. You can get a vehicle in any colour in South Africa. As long as it’s white. (OK, other colours DO exist here, but not many people choose them).
13. Kids who are obviously from well-off families and are otherwise loved running around barefoot. Don’t feel the need to donate money to buy them shoes. They have shoes. They just like the “homeless chic” look.
14. 
     No matter how big the room is, there will be only one electrical outlet in it, leading to goat rodeos like this: ➡see pic
15. For the entire month of December, the whole country just… shuts down. Don’t plan to get anything done until January.
16. Personal space isn’t a thing. It’s normal to feel someone’s breath on your ear when you’re in a queue at the grocery store. (I’ve found you can keep them at bay, though, by turning around and standing backwards. It usually gives you a few extra cms of wiggle room).

We’ve also developed better, unique words for describing particular foods. These words not only confuse foreigners, but they make us feel all warm and fuzzy inside too:

We don’t eat corn on the cob or maize; we eat “mielies”.

It’s pretty much a staple diet for the majority of South Africans, so it deserves its own South African name.

We eat “pap”, not porridge.

Pap or mielie meal are the phrases we use for regular maize porridge.

We eat “slaptjips” or “chips”, not french fries.

Thick-cut, oily, salty potatoes with a dash of vinegar are what we call slaptjips. We frequently use “chips” to reference a packet of crisps too.

We eat boerewors, not sausage.

Say anything you like, there isn’t any equal to boerewors around the globe, and it is virtually an insult to compare it to sausage.

We eat biltong, not jerky.

This South African favourite is dried out and salted meat, much like beef jerky, although it can also be made from ostrich, kudu or other red meat. Droewors/Drywors are created by drying out boerewors and are enjoyed in the same way as biltong.

We eat chakalaka, not salsa.

A South African vegetable relish, typically spicy that, is served with pap, bread, samp, stews or curries.

Potjiekos and not stew.

Potjiekos is a dish prepared outside, traditionally cooked in a round, cast iron, three-legged pot. The pot is heated for hours using small amounts of wood or charcoal.

Vetkoek (deep-fried bread dough balls).

Vetkoek is a traditional South African fried dough bread used in everyday Afrikaner cookery. This directly translated to “fat cake” because it does indeed make you fat.

We braai, we don’t BBQ or grill.

Usually done with wood or charcoal, people spend hours getting a fire ready to cook the meat just right. Alcohol is generally in abundant supply, especially beer and wine.