That thing people do when they’re being chased by bees or trying to catch the ice cream truck.
But here I am, contemplating the unthinkable: becoming a runner. Not just any runner, but the kind that posts pictures of their running shoes on social media.
So, what do I think will happen when I take up running? Let’s jog through my predictions:
1. I’ll Develop a New Relationship with 5 AM 🕔
I’ve always believed that nothing good happens before 10 AM. But as a runner, I’ll be up before the sun, lacing up my sneakers and hitting the pavement. Birds will be my new alarm clock, and I’ll have to apologize to my coffee maker for the neglect it’s about to suffer.
2. I'll be Awesome 💥
My running form will be both graceful and powerful, and as I bounce down the street, I will look like a cross between a gazelle and a Ferrari. My face won’t get all red and puffy; instead, it will take on a healthy glow, so much so that I will no longer need to wear makeup ever again. My vigorous jog will clean away any acne, shrink my pores, and make my eyelashes longer and fuller.
3. My Wardrobe Will Consist of 50 Shades of Spandex 🎽
Gone will be the days of choosing outfits based on style or comfort. Instead, my drawers will overflow with neon spandex that can be seen from space. I’ll have more running outfits than regular clothes, and I’ll start to wonder if it’s acceptable to wear running tights to a wedding.
4. I’ll Speak in Kilometers, Not Calories 💬
I’ll start to measure everything in kilometres. “Oh, that cheesecake? That’s like 5K worth of deliciousness.” I’ll also become that person who casually drops into conversation, “I ran a quick 10K this morning,” as if it’s no big deal.
5. I’ll Have More Medals Than a Five-Star General 🏅🥇🥈🥉
Every weekend will bring a new race and a new medal. I’ll start wearing them to work, the grocery store, and maybe even the shower. After all, I earned those medals; I want everyone to know it.
6. I’ll Become a Weather App Aficionado ☁🌡
I’ll know the weather forecast better than the meteorologists. Rain or shine, I’ll be out there, although I’ll secretly pray for rain because it makes for more dramatic running selfies.
7. I’ll Have a Love-Hate Relationship with Hills 💔
Hills will become my arch-nemesis. I’ll curse them as I climb, but I’ll feel like Rocky Balboa once I reach the top. Then, I’ll see another hill, and the cycle will repeat.
8. I’ll Turn into a Carb-Loading Connoisseur 🍜
Pasta parties will be my new Friday night. I’ll have an excuse to eat all the carbs and become a regular at every Italian restaurant in town. “I’m carb-loading,” I’ll say as I order my third plate of spaghetti.
9. I’ll Have a Playlist for Every Pace 🎶🎵
My music library will be meticulously organized by beats per minute. I’ll have playlists for warming up, cooling down, and everything in between. I’ll become a DJ of my own running soundtrack, and heaven help anyone who tries to mess with my running mix.
10. I’ll Start to Believe I Can Outrun Anything 🏃♀️🏃♀️
Need to get somewhere fast? I’ll just run. Zombies? No problem, I’m a runner. I’ll develop an irrational confidence in my ability to outrun any and all of life’s problems. Passersby will turn in amazement as I speed down the sidewalk and hit every green light, never once having to do that awkward run-in-place that some people do while they wait to cross the street. What can I say? When I become a runner, I will have impeccable timing and also the kind of consistent good luck that makes you think I am a witch, or at the very least, someone who possesses an enchanted amulet.
11. I’ll not Fear Death 💀
"Cowards die many times before their death; the valiant only taste of death but once.” That’s right, as a runner, I will casually reference William Shakespeare, and I won’t even make a big deal about it. That’s because runner me is super smart but not in a big, in-your-face way.
So, there you have it. My life as a runner will be a mix of early mornings, spandex, carbs, and medals. And while I may start out as a reluctant jogger, I have a sneaking suspicion that I’ll end up loving this running thing. Just don’t tell my couch – it might get jealous.
And remember, if you see me on the street, running like there’s a bee swarm behind me, cheer me on. I’ll need all the encouragement I can get to make it to that next stoplight.
Happy trails, future me! ✨
Awesome as always 🏴☠️🏴☠️🏴☠️🏴☠️
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